I don’t know how it happened to be honest. One minute I’m 14 years old, spewing in the bushes on the skate park from too much blue WKD. Next, I’m 25 years old, standing on my own two feet and the most excitement I get is when I get my Tesco Clubcard vouchers arrive through the door.
Time really does fly. I may still be young but I feel like being a teenager was centuries ago. I do try my hardest to forget most of it, but we shouldn’t take the past and growing up for granted. As we are younger and suffering the dark days of school life, time really seems to drag. Every single day seems to last a lifetime. I remember sitting in lessons and wishing the time would tick away. Wishing away weeks to get to the school holidays. To do what? Sit around watching Drake and Josh while my Mum hovered around me.
People always say to me: “Don’t you wish we were back at school when it was easier?”.
Sorry, what? Back when I was bullied day after day? Back when the highlight was getting through a day without crying? When I was never sure if I was going to be allowed to sit with my mates at lunch or made to carry their bags? Absolutely fucking not. I do not wish to relive those days for a single second of my life. Don’t get me wrong, it got better, there were good days. But never in a million years would I trade my life now. Who I am now.
It’s not until I’ve got older that I’ve realised that all of the hurt is insignificant, irrelevant. It was painful at the time, but it taught me a lot. I’ve now realised that it’s led to where I am now, yes, but it has not made me the person I am. Its helped to shape me and guide me, but it isn’t who I am. It’s because of all that that I’ve always aimed to become stronger, I’ve always looked to prove everyone wrong, to make something of my life. I’m not that shy, broken girl who doesn’t know her place anymore. I’m my own person, I’m realistic, and as I’ve previously eluded to, I love it.
Time is a wonderful thing. Some would say “a healer”. We don’t realise how fast it goes by, or how much we learn from it. We spend our lives rushing around, working under pressure, focussing on the issues or the negatives, trying to make everyone happy. Little do we realise that if we sit back and look at the full picture, look at everything gained or achieved, it’s actually probably incredible. Every single issue we try to fix, becomes an accomplishment. Every fight we win, we become stronger, prouder. Every time we are let down, we try harder the next. We are taught to keep fighting, and I feel like it fuckin pays off. Even if I am knackered with a dodgy knee and an alcohol problem. (Joke).
I’m an extremely emotional person, obviously. I’ve been reflecting a lot lately, on who I am and where I am in life. Been thinking about who I’ve lost along the way, what I’ve gained. I’ve overcome a lot of things just from going over it all and processing where things went wrong or right. A little bit of self reflection and self care hasn’t harmed anyone. I feel like I’ve forced my head into a great place, all on my own.
I feel mature and I feel responsible. I’ll still laugh like a child at the most infant of things. I’ll still get mortal on 10 pints on a weekend. I’ll still make stupid decisions every now and then. But I’m okay with it, and I don’t dwell on it or let it define me.
It’s taken 13 years. It’s taken a bucket load of insecurity, two relocations and about 51 ex boyfriends. But I seem to be able to now make a firm and justified decision of what is right for me, without a doubt. I can let myself just enjoy life, be myself and have happiness.
Every time I have a negative thought, I can simply calm myself. Every time I need a break, I take one. Every time I need to cry, I let myself. It’s okay to have bad days, it’s just how you deal with them and how you let them control them. Give it time, things will get there for you, eventually.
Could be months, could be years. But eventually, take control of it and don’t let negativity ruin your happiness.